I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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