Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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