a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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