It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
