if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
