I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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