I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
