I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
