Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
