Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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