i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
