would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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