i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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