I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
