On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
