Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
