So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
