I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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