CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
