i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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