well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
