If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
