I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
