saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
my liver is dry heaving
I need water and some morals
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
