and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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