If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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