My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
