Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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