Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
