When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
