my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
