How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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