You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
