At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
