Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
