Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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