so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
