Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
