I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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