I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
