if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
