A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
