She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
