The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
