I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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