That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
