Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
