I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
