after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
