She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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