No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
