On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
