Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We smell like vodka and hangover
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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