Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize