Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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