i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize