I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
