Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize