the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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