i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
