took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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