yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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