I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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